Wanna see my guns...?

I was looking back through some old pictures and had to laugh when I came across this fond memory. While we were in San Antonio our friend Dan decided to show us what real Texans do with their free time... Here's a few photos to prove that I actually had a great time. Hey, I'm a country girl at heart. Isn't this a requirement?? Enjoy!

Introducing Me, Person # 3!

As we pulled into the comfortingly familiar, peaceful streets of downtown Boulder on the evening of December 16th, soft snowflakes swirled around the young couples and happy families bustling about on their way to warm restaurants to celebrate the end of another week. The majestic flatirons stretched out along the horizon with their bluish glow.  Cars rolled by with ski’s on their racks as they headed out of town for their weekend retreats. While I took it all in, I felt a warm contentment and thought to myself, ‘Wow, this could actually be our last stop. Our new home’.  But shortly after this thought crept in the two little words I found haunting me more and more recently.   ‘No Way’.   Doubt. 

It’s an understatement to say that this last year and a half has been difficult, unplanned, and beyond frustrating in a multitude of ways. I look back at all of the trying events that have occurred, from my mom’s stroke to my dad’s death. From our abominable tenants, to their ability to screw us over by thousands of dollars and a free place to live. From my health scare this winter and the out of pocket cost for scans, to my dear Pop-Pop’s health beginning to decline after the death of his beloved Kenny.  I fear that these accumulating challenges are beginning to leave me jaded. Where’s my security? What happened to my reassurance that good will come from all trials that make us stronger? When is enough, enough?

I have been reading and re-reading words from Sue Monk Kidd’s When the Heart Waits. In one chapter of her book she states, “A crisis is a holy summons to cross a threshold. It involves both a leaving behind and a stepping toward, a separation and an opportunity.”   Wow.   The first time I read these words I thought, ‘Well, yeah, of course...’, but as I re-read these lines weeks later, I felt the intense power behind those words in a new light. But what does this really mean? 

The author goes on to discuss the different ways that we as humans, depending on who we are, typically respond to a crisis. First, we may chose to tell ourselves that ‘It is God’s will...I accept this and will move on’. And we leave it at that wether we believe it or not. If we are this first person, we may be searching for comfort and peace of mind without digging deeper, and are often left without the inward change that needs to take place to get us over that threshold. On the other side of this, we may be the second person, the one who rejects the crisis, fighting it or denying its existence. Or, as I all too often demonstrate, we become angry at the someone or something that doesn’t seem to want to put an end to the attacks. We do these things, all the while becoming cynical, defeated, or watching our faith start to slip away.  Jaded.  Geez, is that really who I am? 

The author then describes the third person, the one that I am striving to become and hoping that I have been slowly evolving into. This person waits. The waiting is painful, but they develop a greater understanding of their own depth while they watch as God leads them through the transformation. She states, “They’re after soulmaking”. Do I want to tell myself it’s God’s will while deep inside ignoring what this truly means? Should I continue to fight it and let myself believe the ‘No Way’s’ that so unwelcomely creep their grimy little selves into my mind? After all that we have been through it would be so easy to let this happen.  But, No!  I refuse to ignore what I know will bring me to a greater wholeness. While it completely eats away at my patience to wait out these storms, I believe that it will draw me deeper into learning who I am, who I’m becoming, and as I cross that threshold, it will show me what beautiful opportunities await me beyond that open door. It’s going to be really tough becoming person # 3. 

As spring moved in and more transitions began taking place, I found myself thinking a lot about this. I was quickly approaching the end of my travel contract, Mike was wrapping up his student teaching and gaining his Master’s in Education, both of us were doing hours of job searching, and we were still living with my sister and her family while also battling the Pittsburgh court system to get those schmucks out of our house (most of these continue). We decided after much thought, prayer, and discussion, that despite it all, Colorado has become our home. Our decision was made. I slowly started turning into that someone I don’t want to be as I fought internally with the many crises we were facing in order to start over and create a life for ourselves here. I became angry and doubtful, even going as far as blaming our decision to leave Pittsburgh on the cause of my dad’s death. Ridiculous, I know, but person # 2 can be pretty brutal. 

On one of my morning hikes I decided to really talk to God and to myself about my pain. What better place to do this as I pushed my way through the physical pain to get to the stuff deep inside me. I realized by the end of my two hour hike that all I can do is wait and watch as a transformation takes place. I can’t be angry, and I can’t brush things aside like they have no importance. I can’t place blame on myself and on God for the things I have been through when I can look back and see the numerous blessings I have been given in the midst of all of this. It’s always the tough stuff that stands out in our minds if we let it. I got home feeling more at peace with my new attitude and outlook.  As I continued to wait over the next couple of days and honestly separated myself from the negative person I was becoming, I received a phone call asking me to interview for a job at Children’s Hospital in Denver. After two long, competitive interviews over the following couple weeks, I was offered a permanent position to work for the Pulmonary Medicine clinic at Children’s Hospital Colorado beginning on May 29th! I guess that’s what Kidd meant about getting to that opportunity part of a crisis. 

There are still many situations in our lives that we continue to attempt to wait out as patiently as we can muster. This recent experience made it obvious to me that my decision to choose the “way of waiting”, while allowing a transformation in my soul and my mind, drew me closer to discovering that threshold and embracing the opportunity that was presented after the exhausting, emotional trip.  I don’t want to let myself become the jaded version of me who doubts every possibility and every dream. I want to rekindle that excitement that once overwhelmed me as I looked forward to my future with my husband. I want take on each crisis that I face by stepping toward that threshold in the midst of my waiting. I want to be person # 3.

Enchanted Rock

Welcome to Hill Country!

When we got to Texas we were so excited about this new prospect of exploring! What a different world it was compared to our adventures in Pennsylvania. We set out through Hill Country to go hiking at Enchanted Rock a little ways past Fredericksburg, TX. Our drive through Hill Country - We had never seen anything like it! All around us were rolling hills with huge open ranches scattered throughout in the middle of nowhere.  The ranches were vast, rugged hills with much more vegetation than what I had initially imagined to be flat desert land. There were prickly pear cactuses and dry Texas live oak trees for miles and miles. Now I understand why a friend of mine from Houston whose family owns a ranch said that they go hunting there every year. When I first heard this, I created an image in my head of the hunter crouched behind one large, lone cactus and the big old white tailed deer standing alert out in the open wondering where he should hide from this crazy person. I shrugged to myself and assumed it worked out somehow. What do I know about hunting?? 

Starting up the Summit Trail

A while later we passed through Fredericksburg, TX, a cute, quaint little town with a street full of small boutiques, cafes and wineries. We had lunch at the local hot spot, Wheeler’s, for some hearty American/German food...not exactly my style, but it was the busiest place in town so we figured we’d try it out. Soon we were on our way again and back into the middle of nowhere when we finally came upon the sight of a huge, dome shaped rock a few miles ahead of us. Enchanted Rock!  Enchanted Rock was named for many different reasons, but many of them revolved around old native american folklore about enchanted spirits living at the top making creaking and groaning noises, or for the way that they could hide from enemies at the top without being seen. Also, the rock apparently has a green-blue halo that surrounds the mountain after the sun sets. Today, they have found that the noise that is heard is likely from the way the rock heats during the day and contracts at night while it cools. The glow is apparently a fact, although we unfortunately did not notice it when we visited. The rock is a large, rounded, pink granite formation and they say it is like a huge solar battery that gives off energy after it has been heated all day. It’s real nice to imagine that we were standing on a radioactive rock...Oh well, maybe that’s why my old cell phone that landed on the top of Enchanted Rock and cracked the screen still worked for over a year afterwards. Regardless, it was a great day and a beautiful hike. It is amazing that after all of the traveling we have done across the country, we have discovered so many different types of landscapes and rock structures that exist in the varying areas and climates. Here’s a little taste of our day on the rock for you...I have been excited to work with my photography on my new Lightroom 3 software! Enjoy :)

The top of the rock...Apparently there are over 500 types of plants 
on and around Enchanted Rock!

                      

Fall in Texas has it's own unique beauty.

On the loop trail at the base of Enchanted Rock

Mike the "mountain climber"... Looks kind of real...

        

Sun setting over Enchanted Rock      

             

      

San Antonio River Walk!

I recently looked back at some of my early blog posts and got a new burst of motivation to do what Mike and I had originally intended to do...share our nomadic experiences with you all!  I just love that word, “nomad”. It reminds me of the days in 7th grade reading class when we would create a poster for our spelling words, like the “rotund”, shirtless man laying on his beach towel rocking out next to his boombox, and the “insolent” teenage punks making wisecracks during class. Anyway, that’s what I remember drawing. But one definition of the word nomad is: a person with no fixed residence who roams about; a wanderer. I may be crazy, but that pretty much sums us up this year. It has been quite the life since we left Pittsburgh in September 2010. A life with some exceptionally rough times along the way which, in turn, changed the experience into something completely different then what we had initially planned. Regardless, it has been a beautiful adventure in so many other ways. So, here goes. I’m going to start off with a few of our memories from the famous San Antonio River Walk!!  And by the way, who says “wisecracks” anymore?? Ahh, and the good old days of boomboxes... Anyway ...

The River Walk! When we first heard we would be starting out in San Antonio, TX, we knew absolutely nothing about the area except that Texas is big and hot. Of course my dad got carried away with excitement when we found out where we would be. He borrowed a stack of tourist pamphlets from a friend of his who works in San Antonio, and set up a day to take me and Mike to AAA to plan out our trip, get more maps and travel books then we knew what to do with, and stake out the hot spots in our new “home”.  The River Walk was all over the place, and since I knew nothing else about San Antonio, the River Walk is what I pictured the whole week-long trip south down to Texas.

I had been told from a friend who traveled to San Antonio that although the River Walk is the only thing you hear about when people talk about the city, it is probably one of the places you will spend the least amount of your time. I’d say this is quite accurate, but the times that we did spend there were definitely memorable. On the top of my list was Halloween, or Dia de los Muertos, which is celebrated in many different ways there. Of course, the first year that I didn’t have to work on Halloween was the year we hadn’t made any new friends yet, so Mike and I decided to go out on our own and embrace the culture of the holiday at the River Walk. We hopped around to a few different bars and restaurants along the river and enjoyed Margaritas and nachos while we watched the area blow up with all sorts of creatures as the night went on. Like the way my Pop-Pop likes to sit back and people watch at Park City mall, we just enjoyed the show as we chilled and observed all of the crazies go by. (Yes, I just compared myself to Pop-Pop). I was just waiting for someone to accidentally get shoved into that river. I wonder if that has ever happened? We played the guessing game to see who was better at figuring out the meaning behind the eccentric costumes and cheered along with the crowds as the Roman soldiers walked by pronouncing to the tables of diners, “Hail Caesar!! Have you tried the salad?? Try the Caesar salad!" 

Throughout the evening we had seen one girl from afar but could only make out different colored dots on her white dress. We kept trying to figure her out, but she was too far away to get a good look. Later that night while we were walking along through the crowds of even rowdier groups, I saw the same girl coming toward us. When I looked at her costume I instantly got excited as a flash from my childhood came to mind of my friends and I sitting on a beach towel at the Millersville Pool eating candy buttons from the snack shop during the adult swim. We got closer to her and I enthusiastically asked her, “Are you those candy button things?!?” She looked at me, daggers coming out of her eyeballs as she put her hands on her hips, scrunched up her nose, and replied, “No. I’m Katy Perry! “  “Oohhh...Of course you are...” Oops. She rolled her eyes and huffed away down the river as we cracked up at her stupid costume and at me for being me...as usual. I guess I need to freshen up on pop culture. Plain old candy buttons would have been much more original anyway. 

A great view of the River Walk on one of our first days in town!

Spending time with new friends at Zinc Bistro and Wine Bar on the River Walk -
A great restaurant and bar that makes their guacamole table side! Pretty awesome!  

The San Fernando Cathedral at Military Plaza on the River Walk.

A shrine created by a student for Dia de los Muertos, in Military Plaza.

Me and Mike on Halloween :)

One of the "Bloodweiser" parade boats...random.

On the river boat getting the grand tour :)

Melissa, Lauren (My wonderful traveler friend!)
 and me riding the river boat for our first time
during our last weeks in San An! We had to fill
 our last weeks with all of the touristy things we
 hadn't done in the first 4 months there ;)

The River Walk is so beautiful during Christmas time!!

Dream a little dream of me

I dreamt the other night that I was walking somewhere through a crowd of people at some big event. I passed an outdoor patio with cafe tables and I looked at the one with a group of about 4 men. Dad was sitting right there smiling up at me. He was wearing one of his black Adidas wind breaker coats, his face was nice and tan like he had just finished a perfect day of golf, and he looked so happy. In my dream I knew that dad had died. I remember thinking of what my friend Carolyn told me, that I need to look and listen wherever I go and I will be surprised at how present he really is. In my dream I wondered if this was what my dad was trying to do by coming to me looking like himself in a random stranger. I stared at him with tears in my eyes as I walked by the table. The thing that stood out the most was how real he looked, how alive he was, and most of all how happy and full of joy he seemed. I walked past the table and looked back over my shoulder to see him still watching me, smiling and laughing like he always did when he was in his fun, excited mood. I waved to him, turned back around, and kept walking without looking back for fear of him disappearing. Something told me in that moment that he wanted me to know that he was OK, he was happy, and that he was always watching me. Disoriented, I woke up only to realize in dismay that what had felt so real had only been a figment of my subconscious desires. Another stupid dream. Or could it have been more than that?

As I was stressing out about some things in life the other day and having a hard time with missing my dad, Mike told me to breathe and reassured me that we would be OK and that everything was going to work out as it always does. He reminded me that some of these things were only a small part of life, and that dad would be so proud of me and is probably keeping an eye on me all the time.  It’s possible that imagining my dad watching me was part of what brought this dream to me. I’ve been wanting so greatly to be able to simply see him again, the real him and not the dream version. To hug him and talk to him and see that smile that seemed to be especially for me. But he never comes to me in real life. I’ve been frustrated lately as I go around looking for him all the time in my every day activities. Things will always remind me of him: the geese flying by me, the way Mike cuts vegetables so thin and precisely they would get a big stamp of approval from dad, the patient with cancer who smiled up at me when I covered him with his blankets, the basketball net across the street and the way dad would say, “Try to arc it, Kate!”. There are so many times dad is with me in those moments, and the reminders make me smile or make me cry. But what I want right now more than anything is to truly see his face and to know that he is happy again.

The week of my birthday in December I had been battling sadness and loneliness as I realized this was the first year I wouldn’t see dad or hear his excited voice for his little girl on her birthday. I’d been praying that some how, in some way, I might be able to feel his presence on that day. To know that he was still there and thinking of me and celebrating what he and Mom were so proud of that day 28 years ago. The night going into my birthday, I went to bed and shortly after falling asleep I saw him in my dreams as a healthy, happy version of dad. We hugged for a while, I cried, he asked his classic “What’s wrong Kate?” to which I replied, “I just love you so much”. We talked and laughed and he reminded me what it felt like to be next to him. I felt the evidence of his love as clearly as I ever have.  I woke up later with that moment still fresh in my mind and had an odd sensation of being enveloped in warmth despite the cold room I was sleeping in. There was something more to that dream than what I created on my own, and it didn’t leave me the rest of that day. I’ve been thinking lately and wondering if it really is just my subconscious mind causing these dreams and creating what I wish I could have here in the flesh? Or is it dad’s way of coming to me, or even God's means of bringing dad to me and allowing me to feel his presence and to know that he is taking care of me? I know that might sound far fetched to a lot of you, but hey, crazier things have happened. 

It’s an extremely surreal concept that for the rest of my time on this earth, all that’s left of seeing my dad are my past memories I’ve made with him. It’s an insanely difficult thing to accept when your are faced with losing one of the most important people in your life, and it is nothing I could have ever truly understood until after I lost my dad. Over the last  8 months it seems that my dreams have brought my dad to me at the times when I’ve been struggling the most and needing to feel his love. Because of this, I decided early on to start recording my dreams of him as soon as I wake up so that those images will never fade. I hold dear both the memories of my dad, alive and happy and loving life, as well as the dreams that bring him to me from another place. Knowing that I can never spend another day in this world with my dad, I’ve chosen to take these dreams for what they are, and to think of them as new memories with my dad that I have been fortunate enough to create. 

*Side note: I know I have been a huge blog slacker these past few months, and it’s probably not the best to come back with another depressing post...but good news for all!! It’s my goal to try to go back and write stories on some of the highlights of traveling this last year. Along with the other random blog posts in between ;) Stay tuned for more!

What is Tagwhat?

When we left Pittsburgh, the main thing I planned to do was go to school. I have been taking classes for just over a year now, and am a short way away from my Master’s degree in teaching. I planned to work as a substitute teacher in each city we travelled to along our journey.

I quickly discovered that getting a substitute job takes a very long time. I applied to do so more than a month before we left for San Antonio, and it was more than three months later before I was actually working. In the interim, I waited tables…not my idea of fun.

Then along came the new Tagwhat.

A few years ago Angus (my brother-in-law) started working on a project, which evolved into Tagwhat. Tagwhat is an app for smart phones, available for free through the android market and the iPhone app store. Tagwhat started as a location based social media tool. What it developed into is a location-based multimedia storytelling platform.

When I found out that they were hiring journalists to create content for the app, I submitted a few samples. Since March, I have been working as a freelance writer, documenting some of the greatest sports stories, at the places where they happen. It has been a great opportunity to combine my loves of sports, comics, food and random trivia into one awesome job. It has been even more gratifying to travel and to see my work across the country. When I share postcards on facebook or like stories from Tagwhat, this is what it’s all about.

Click on the photos to see some of the stories I have created, and then grab your phone and download Tagwhat!

The Next Step

As many of you know by now, Mike and I arrived in Palo Alto, CA this past Friday for my next travel nursing assignment which starts tomorrow morning. We spent the last three weeks driving across the country. Our trip went from: Lancaster to Pittsburgh to Chicago to Normal, IL to Waynesville, MO to Kansas City to Boulder to Arches National Park, UT to Bryce Canyon National Park, UT to Yosemite National Park, CA and finally, over 3,000 miles later, we made it to our final destination of Palo Alto! Well, our temporary 13 week final destination that is. 

I'm having so many mixed emotions as I prepare to start back to work tomorrow morning. Since early June I was off of work to take care of my dad, and after he passed away Mike and I stayed in Lancaster for another month. We wanted to take that time to be with my mom and to help give us time to figure out the next step for our lives.  It’s funny to think of taking the “next step”. The next step always meant planning a scan, getting surgery, recovering from surgery, taking medicine and waiting out the side effects, getting used to dialysis, getting past one bump, hitting the next bump, and getting over that one too...”one step at a time” we always said...all of this with hopes of healing and life at the end of the long road.  You never expect these things to happen to you.  Never.  I’ve had nightmares growing up that involved one of my parents finding out they had a terminal disease, but I would always wake up at the end of it and see my cozy room and comforting stuffed animals around me and I would know that my parents both lay asleep and healthy just down the hall. It’s hard to realize that you won’t wake up from this nightmare but that instead you have to adapt and find a way to live with the knowledge of what has happened to you and your family and one of the people you love more then anything. 

Over the last few weeks while traveling out west I have had a lot of time to think and attempt to start processing all that we have been through. I have definitely had my highs and lows along the way. I have felt such extreme sadness in many different ways as I have started processing the death of my dad. Leaving Lancaster and moving forward without him here has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. Reaching California only intensified the finality of all that has happened. My dad is gone, and now it is that much more real. But on the other side, I have also had moments where I’ve felt closer to God after witnessing so much of the beautiful, mind-blowing creation that is out there before us to enjoy and stand amazed in. The splendor of these breath taking sights is more then I could ever have imagined, and there I was face to face with a world that was so far beyond me as a human being. I am still stuck asking questions like “why did this happen to my dad?” and “how could I have done something differently to keep him alive?” but I also found myself wondering, how, in a world so full of pain and despair, can there still be so much beauty? Why do we deserve to have this incredible gift when the people that deserve it more than any of us are no longer here to experience it? What I came to conclude (if there ever is a conclusion to questions like these) is that these things exist here on this earth for us to stand in awe of now as a sort of prequel to what God has in store for us later. If we are blessed with these things now, then I can only begin to imagine what life beyond this one could be like.  As we drove across the country and hiked through three different national parks these past weeks, I wanted so badly to tell my dad what I was seeing and to hear his excitement for all that we were experiencing. While pushing myself beyond anything I have ever done before as we climbed up rocks to the tops of two of Yosemite’s waterfalls, I found myself talking out loud to dad and telling him to be there with me. To see what I was seeing. To be amazed at the majestic sights that lay there before me. I felt him with me, watching me, and imagined him there with his walking sticks and cute little Under Armor outfit on, and I smiled through the sweat and sore knees as we continued the climb to one of the greatest views I’ve ever seen. I have to believe that he could see it all and that what he sees every day is even greater then the beauty that is here on this earth. 

I am so grateful to have had this experience. It gave me and Mike a chance to reconnect with each other, with our friends and family, with God, with ourselves, and in a weird way with my dad.  I miss my dad so much, even more now then before, and I wish that I could hear his first day advice. Although we can't talk, I keep reminding myself of what he told me when he was in the hospital and I was taking care of kids with cancer while we were in Connecticut...He said, "I miss you, Kate, but it makes me so happy knowing you are there taking care of kids who are going through what I am. They need you." It's hard to think about taking care of anyone besides my dad right now, but as he inspired me to push on to the top of that mountain, he will also inspire me to stop and breathe, remember his encouraging words, and take this next step.