Back Home

It’s hard to believe that our 5 months in San Antonio have already come to an end. I remember the first day we arrived. The sun was beating down on us as we got out of the car. I took in a deep breath and thought, “This is it. Here we go”. I remember moving all of our suitcases into our temporary home at the Extended Stay and being given a warm, hearty southern welcome by the hotel’s greeter,“Dolly” (as I liked to call her) with her bleached blonde hair, bright red lip stick, cowgirl boots and deep southern drawl. I thought, wow, we’re in Texas! Turns out she was one of a kind, but it made me smile nonetheless.

Shortly after we arrived that day, we ventured out to find the local dog park for our friend and good sport Clover. I still remember feeling like such an outsider. I still felt so displaced, a little lost, and completely terrified. Here were all of these Texas people and Texas dogs and Texas trees and they weren’t mine. I was far from my comfort zone. Mike had a similar experience at the H.E.B., our local grocery store. Culture shock hit us hard that week. It’s funny to think back to how we felt those first few weeks, and how much has changed since then. Our time in San Antonio started out with a call about my mom’s stroke, and we were faced with this huge, scary event as we were transitioning into our new life. Now as we were wrapping up time in TX, we were again being dealt another difficult, painful hand as we discovered another tumor on my dads other kidney. Again, this all started at a time of change and transition. 

I never thought that any of these things would happen as we were pulling out of Pittsburgh back in September and beginning our exciting journey. There is no doubt that this journey has been an incredible experience, and I can’t even begin to describe what amazing blessings have come to both Mike and I during our 5 months in Texas. Even with all of the bumps in our road, I know that we both have grown in different ways. For me, I was blessed with some amazing friends to not only help me with all of my transitions, but to love and support me in the joyful times as well as the challenging times. Along with this, I was able to overcome anxiety related to going to work, which had been one of my greatest burdens over the last 4 1/2 years of nursing. I have become more confident, and for some reason it suddenly hit me and actually sank in this time, that it doesn’t matter if I can’t do everything - there is no way I will ever know everything when it comes to nursing - but that I am confident in who I am, what I do know, and that I don’t have to be afraid to ask others to help me when I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. 

So all of this brings us to the present. I have had a hard time trying to describe to people what I am feeling at this moment. I guess the best word for it might be adrift. As I leave behind some great memories and incredible friends in Texas, and look forward and see a very long unknown road ahead, while at the same time still having no job (although a couple good leads), living at my parents house, and transforming into Nanny Kate ;), I feel somewhat like I am floating in this in between phase of life where I am holding onto the past and present happy moments to get me through the challenging times to come. 

As I write this, I am sitting in my dad’s hospital room at Hershey Medical Center. He was admitted today and a central line was placed. This is an IV catheter that goes in through the vein in his neck, down into his chest near his heart, and comes out into two ports to his upper right chest. This will be used following his surgery for dialysis until they can look at other options for home dialysis once he has healed and recovered from surgery. He did amazing with this fairly quick procedure, and bravely completed step #1. Several different doctors came in to talk to us about what to expect tomorrow for his surgery to remove his right kidney, and informed us that he would be the first case tomorrow (Friday) morning. Because of this, I wanted to stay the night with him at Hershey so someone would be here to send him off. I might be loaded down with my bags, his bags, the picture frame from Calvin, and a very large coffee, but at least I will be there for myself and my whole family to tell him that we love him and to hug him and to tell him that we will get through this all together. I am just so happy to finally feel like I am able to do something. Even if it isn’t much, it’s something. I am more then happy to take on the role of Nanny Kate. It has been a long day and a rough night so far, with some ups and lots of downs. But after all of the chaos of the day - the noise and the waiting and the crying and the talking - the lights are out, the TV is off, the floor is calm and quiet, there is a low soft snore in the air, and dad is finally asleep. It is kind of nice to be sitting here on my little recliner (since I opted out of the suspect looking cot that they so kindly ordered for me), and to look over and see my dad, who I love so much. Despite the fact that his situation sucks...it is bull shit...I know how strong he is, and I know that he and my mom will get through this with all of us fighting side by side. I have faith that God will carry us through this inevitably long road, and that he will help to give us peace and joy as we overcome one step after another. I am so proud of my family.

“When the future seems uncertain, like the coming of a storm. You’re loving father carries his children, when they can’t walk anymore. No matter how the wind may blow, it cannot shake the sun. Lay your sorrows on the ground, it’s time to come back home. It’s time to come back home.” - JJ Heller (see link to song below)