Taking a little break

So much has been going on lately, and it is all too much to put into words right now. As things have been getting more difficult, I find it hard enough to process it all let alone write about it. I need this time to be with my family right now, but will be back to writing when I can.  For now I will be taking a short break from my blog as I spend this time with my dad. Thank you again for all of your support, encouragement and prayers. It means more then you all will ever know.

Mmmm...Donuts!

I’ve had a new revelation recently. I always kind of wondered (but never really hoped to find out) how I would respond in an extremely stressful situation. Would I be a stress eater or would I be one of those people who are too depressed to even consider attempting to put food in their mouths? Well, I’ve had a hunch over the last several months as I catch myself sneaking another bite of peanut butter cake or maybe just three more Dove chocolates, ok, four more, but that’s it. My hunch tells me that I just might enjoy comfort food a little bit too much ... :D

Today I hit my ultimate low. As I pulled on my favorite pair of jeans, I saw something plop onto the carpet. Oooo a quarter! Yes, the small things excite me these days... But no, I couldn’t be that lucky. I realized as I attempted to button my pants that this task is quite impossible when you are missing your button. I reached down to find my lonely little button laying on the floor next to me. If you can picture the facebook frownie face, that was the look I gave my sad little button as I held it up, looked down at my jeans, and reluctantly changed into my cozy sweat pants. I angrily glared at my button, yelled “you freakin‘ defective thing!”, and chucked the button aside.  With my comfy pair of elastic waisted pants, a satisfied smile on my face, and a rumble in my belly, I tossed my stupid jeans across the room and went to the kitchen for just one more cookie.

No Other Way

So just a quick update to let you all know the current plan for Mike and I. Obviously, I’m sure many of you are aware that a few weeks ago we found out that dad’s cancer came back and has spread to his lungs and his liver. His oncologist started him on Sutent, an oral chemotherapy drug that targets renal cell carcinoma, and today is day 15 out of 28. He’s already made it past his half way mark for this round, but it’s been rough. OK, that is a huge understatement, but I’m not going to get into all of that right now.

Mike and I came home for a visit last weekend but left behind all of our stuff in CT assuming we were going right back on Sunday. After being here for a few days and seeing dad, and after a lot of discussion and planning, we made the decision to cancel my contract in CT and stay in Lancaster temporarily to help mom and dad and to be here for them during this time. This was not an easy decision at all, but I know that I need to be here right now, and I want to be here right now to love my dad the only way I know how.

So here we are taking one day at a time with this new plan. I may start to look for some temporary per diem nursing jobs around here, but at this point we just have to keep reassessing and revising our plan as we need to day by day. I miss my job, I miss traveling, I miss making money, and strangely enough I miss wearing my pretty new royal blue Gray’s Anatomy scrubs. But what makes this decision so much easier is when I remember how much I miss my dad when we pack up, say goodbye, and head back to our apartment and our life. Although we’ve only been home for a little over a week, so much has already happened and changed and I’m so grateful that I didn’t miss a moment of it, good and bad, and that I have been here for everything. Though this might not have been the original canvas painting we had envisioned, it is a brush stroke that adds character and emotion and a new depth to the masterpiece. My dad needs me right now, and I need him. I’d have it no other way.

Strong Enough

        Sometimes I feel all alone in my thoughts and struggles. But it is often at those times when I am given a reminder that I am not alone at all. In one of these moments the other week, I received a text from my friend Charles encouraging me and telling me to check out this song, as it reminded him of me every time he listened to it. I know I couldn't do this without the support of my friends, and I definitely couldn't do this without God's strength. A lot of times I wonder how I am doing this at all, how we are all doing it, but I know we aren't getting through this alone. There's no way that any normal, weak, insignificant human being could be expected to battle this bull shit on their own. Thanks to so many of my friends for reminding me of that fact.

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with action and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." 1 John 3:18-20  

~ Another reminder from my good friend Charity.

A Reason to Smile

We have been at home now for a little more then one week. Every time I attempt to write what I'm feeling I find it impossible to sum it all up into actual words. Words are so hard for me to find right now when all that's there are feelings. A roller coaster of emotions and feelings that consume me from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the second my head hits the pillow at night. Even then, I still feel consumed by it all while I'm sound asleep and dreaming or waking in the middle of the night worried that something's wrong. How do you even begin to put all of that into words??

So for now I will keep it short, and I'll continue to work on a more insightful post :) In the time that Mike and I have been at home so far, one positive of it all is the time we are getting to spend with my family. Since Keri and Angus are home too, what comes along with that is the joy that we all get from watching Calvin learn and play and grow. I have been blessed to feel even closer to my nephew in this one short week that we have all been crammed in one house together. He smiles when I walk in the room, laughs when I tickle his neck, hides his face in my shoulder when a stranger says hello, is fascinated by my curls, and has started to cry when I leave the room. Not only does he bring me joy, but he is a little light in his Poppy's day and I am so thankful that he gives my dad hope and smiles and strength. It's amazing that this one tiny person can fill a house with so much love.

Lighting Poppy up

A new favorite activity...
Climbing on aunt Katy

Playing with my hair :)

So happy

Meeting the cows at the Pine View Dairy

This face sums up what he thinks of cows...

Introducing him to the infamous pretzel cones. Delish.

Bonding with uncle Mike

Getting ready for his first dip in the pool

Not so sure...

He found out it isn't so bad

Pop Pop and his little "humpty".

Grandmom, Calvin and Poppy

"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put in that action." ~ Mother Teresa