Thank you, Spring.

     I love spring. It’s been hard to adjust to the 40 and 50 degree days here in good ole Lancaster PA after coming from Texas where almost every day was sunny and beautiful and rejuvenating. But coming back here and dealing with the rainy, cold, dreary, crappy weather has made me appreciate the nice days that much more. I’m so sick of wearing a scarf. I’m sick of wearing socks. I’m sick of attempting to tip toe through the terrifying post-rain worm mine fields when I’m trying to get some exercise. I’m sick of freezing every time I go outside because I’m too stubborn (or lazy) to search for my heavy coat amidst all of the bags and suitcases and piles of “folded” laundry cluttering our room. And more then anything, I’m sick of this crapholio weather making our crapholio days even longer and more exhausting. That’s why it was very refreshing to have a little taste of spring hit us today.

     It has been a pretty tiring and emotional past few days. Between dialysis and doctors appointments at Hershey, we’ve had a pretty busy week driving all over creation. On Tuesday we met with dad’s surgeon, Dr. Harpster, for a follow up visit. He said that dad looks better then he expected him to considering all that they put his body through just two weeks ago. His incision is healing well, his exhaustion is to be expected, and at this point it is just about taking the next steps towards recovery. He also discussed with us the plan to do radiation to the mid/right upper abdominal area where the tumor and the kidney were in hopes to prevent any potentially lurking cancer cells in the vena cava from growing and spreading. Today we met with a radiation oncologist who was wonderful and took the time to explain the entire process in detail. At this point, what we are looking at is a course of radiation that he will receive to that area five days a week for approximately five weeks. Because of setting up scans, processing the information, setting up a dosing and radiation plan, and allowing time for healing post surgery, dad probably won’t get started with the treatments for another 2-3 weeks. Until then, we are continuing our current routine, and hoping to find out more information in regards to dad’s dialysis options so that eventually his central line can be removed and a more long term option can become established.

     It has been quite overwhelming for dad as he is processing all of this new information. He has been staying positive and knows that all he can do is keep pressing on and fight each step of the way. It sucks to watch him deal with all of this. I know that it is hard to see the big picture right now, but we are all trying to stay focused on the positives and the fact that this is all temporary. It’s definitely going to be a long road, but I know he will get there. It is so much easier for all of us to be able to see the bigger picture, but I honestly can’t even imagine what dad is going through. As I watch him, I am constantly reminded of his strength and that fills me with so much pride. He is fighting so hard and some days are easier then others, but I see him taking these steps, like it or not, with determination and perseverance. 

     After our appointments today we drove home from Hershey, mostly in silence, and probably all with different thoughts going through our minds. I felt heart ache and frustration and anger and pain as I looked up at mom and dad in the front seat processing things in their own way. Then I looked out of the open window, with the cool, fresh breeze and a warm stream of sunlight on my face, and I saw so much beauty in front of me. It’s amazing that there can be so much beauty around us when something so crappy is going on in our lives and our hearts. But seeing those green hills and new buds on the trees and clear, blue skies reminded me that if we look hard enough, we can still find the beauty in every situation. I know it sucks now, but we are doing what needs to be done to get to the goal. With each dreary rainy day, a calm, warm, sunny day always follows.  We will take one step at a time, but I am so looking forward to those sunny days that are waiting for us to arrive.

Just Call Me Squeegy Beckinheim!

       Well, it’s official. I have a job! I’ll be working at Yale, New Haven Hospital in New Haven, CT on a pediatric hematology/oncology unit that is also mixed with some respiratory care patients that are trached and on ventilators.  I had my phone interview last week, wowed them with my charm ;) and got the job offer, but hadn’t officially signed my contract until last night. It was kind of a Griswold’s moment last night when Mike and I were reading over my contract before I signed it. I felt like asking for a drum roll, and could just imagine Russ and grandpa and Uncle Eddie with his cup of egg nog standing next to us cheering me on.  I don’t know why I’ve been nervous to sign my contract...It’s been sitting there for the last several days waiting for an official signature. I guess I just expected to be a little bit closer to Lancaster and was holding on to hope that I still might find that job close to home, but I guess 4 1/2 hours away doesn’t sound so bad compared to 30 some to Dallas where I had gotten another job offer the same week. I think that on top of hoping to be closer, I just never imagined going to Connecticut during my traveling adventure. I have realized in the last 6 months that I need to stop trying to plan things out.  Every time I make plans, they turn out to be completely opposite of what was in my head. But at the same time, even though things haven’t turned out as I thought so far, I have been blessed beyond my expectations. 

       I am getting pretty excited as I research the New Haven area. It looks beautiful, and is only a couple hours away from other major cities like Boston and NYC. It is close to a big body of water, so I’m sure there are some little beaches nearby. Summer will probably be a great time up there for outdoor activities, sunshine, beautiful sunsets on the water, and hike’s in the nearby parks. I think that I need a little bit of calm and nature in my crazy life right now, and that is what I am most excited about. Other than that, all I really know about Connecticut is that Rory Gilmore lives there and went to Yale University (And yes, I think of her as a real person. So please don’t burst my bubble and tell me otherwise). 

      My new job starts on May 9th and is a 13 week assignment so we are there until early August. This start date also gives us the time that we need to be home to help my parents, to visit Mike’s family, and to do more research on where we might live in New Haven as well as what is nearby. I am getting pretty excited to take this next step of our journey, and if anyone knows the New Haven area, I would love to hear the inside scoop!! Otherwise I might end up spending too much time searching for the nonexistent Stars Hollow so I can say hi to Lorelai and Miss Patty and maybe even have a cup of coffee at Luke’s. Then maybe I could become a Gilmore girl!!! You could just call me Squeegy Beckinheim. I think that would pretty much complete my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Je5shcp0R0

* So that you know I'm not completely insane and didn't make up this name, please refer to above link to watch a clip of my favorite show :)

Groundhog Day

         This past week seemed like a year. Have you ever made puppy chow before? No, not the dog food. The most amazing dessert known to man kind. You might know it by a different name, or made it with Chex mix instead of Crispix, or maybe you didn’t sneak in the extra couple spoonfuls of peanut butter and the remains of the bag of chocolate chips that was hiding in the back of the cabinet. But, mmm... those little choclolatey peanut buttery powedered sugary morsels that just melt in your mouth...De-Lish. No matter how it’s made, it’s so good. But making it, well, that’s kind of another story. Before ziplock bags, we used whatever we could find to shake up the melted pieces with the confectioners sugar. We always, undoubtedly, made a freakin’ mess. Well, when I was sitting in bed the other night and processing the events of the day and the thoughts going through my head about my dad and the hell that he is going through, the feelings I’m having while caring for him and mom and watching them have to suffer through each hour of bull crap that is this new life, along with the frustrations while searching for a job and finding the right job, the image that popped into my head was puppy chow. I pictured miniature Katy slipping off the edge of the puppy chow bowl into a big bag of powdered sugar. Suddenly, someone was vigorously shaking me up and hundreds of pieces of puppy chow were slamming me in the head and the back and the stomach, chocolate and peanut butter and powdered sugar making a mess everywhere I looked. And that’s how puppy chow became a metaphor for my life. :) Call me crazy, and I very likely am, but this is what was going through my head. And what’s even crazier is, after I had this silly p-chow vision, I got a little hungry and sort of excited to make this tasty treat again.

         Dad has been home now for one week, and I’m telling you, this week seemed to go on forever and ever. Every day is something new. The first couple days seemed to go fairly smoothly besides the stress and emotions that hit us after the first dialysis session. Otherwise, dad’s pain was well controlled, his appetite was great, and he seemed to be in fairly good spirits. Granted, he was exhausted and hurting and at times pretty miserable, but overall we were faring well. The following day and the next four days after that, everything seemed to do a complete turn. His pain at times was unbearable, his appetite was gone and anything that he tried to eat he couldn’t swallow. He was completely worn out. Transitioning into a life of dialysis was and is almost unimaginable, moving was hard, eating was hard, talking was probably just annoying considering every two seconds one of us three girls was asking him if he was OK, what he was thinking, and how that was making him feel. Our days revolved around food...Food, protein, sodium, potassium, eat this, don’t eat that, try this Mrs. Dash seasoning, well maybe just a tiny bit of cheese. Then the meds. How much pain are you having dad? Did you take this yet? When did you take your percocet last? Do you know what this pill is for? You might want to space those ones out a little. I want to tell myself to shut the heck up half of the time. Poor dad. Although these things are all still so difficult and overwhelming, he continues to do amazing. We are still a little overly focused on these things, but we’re working on it, and I know that he realizes it is all said and done in love. With each day comes a new challenge, and with each new challenge, I hear very few complaints and see so much strength.

Yesterday we noticed a little bit of improvement in his appetite, but he was exhausted after coming home from a 4 1/2 hour sit through dialysis. He took several naps through the day, really only being woken for meals. When I woke him up for dinner, he stirred a bit, looked at me, looked around the dark room and asked “what time is it?” “It’s 7:00, it’s time for dinner dad.” He glanced at the clock, then back at me and said, “7 pm?! Isn’t it morning yet??” To which I tried hard not to crack up at, but answered with a laugh, “No, it’s only 7 at night”. I couldn’t tell if he was quite awake yet. Before lunch when I woke him, he was talking to me while he was dreaming, so I wasn’t sure if he was even comprehending our conversation right now. But when he answered me by stating, “Holy shit. It’s like Groundhog day! This day keeps going on and on and every time I wake up it’s still the same day!”, I knew he was really awake. If you haven’t seen the movie Groundhog Day, consider yourself lucky. Sitting in the theater watching that movie for an hour and a half made me want to stab my eyeballs out. There was no way he was dreaming up a comment like that.

Little by little we are seeing dad doing better. He’s starting to move around a little easier on his own, his cough is improving, each meal is a chore, but each one is getting a little easier. I know we still have a long way to go. Each day will be different, and we are bound to have many more challenging days, but I am so glad that Mike and I are able to be home right now to have the opportunity to be here for mom and dad and to be able to experience both the good and the bad days with them. We have all been working on trying to give the days a little more variety, whether that is a visit from a friend, a walk out to the rock at the end of the driveway, going to the bank, a trip to Rita’s or a sandwich from Isaac’s. We can’t have every day feel like Groundhog Day!  Oh man, I just love my dad.

This Little Piggy

Funk's the way that I remember it :)

What Funk's looks like now. :(

The four “kids”, well I guess five now with Calvin, went for a little walk through Millersville yesterday. Being back in Lancaster has been bringing back a lot of memories from childhood and on up through high school. Mom and dad live across from what was once known as Funk’s, a cute country family owned farm market. Funk’s was the place to go for spring flowers, summer produce, fall pumpkins and halloween festivities, and Christmas tree and decoration shopping. On our weekly trips to Funk’s, mom and dad would treat us to a yummy ice cream cone or cookies from the bakery, and who could forget the amazing, mouth watering, homemade cheese bread! mmmm.... So many great memories at Funk’s. I still fondly recall (please note the sarcasm in my voice) standing by the counter waiting for my cookie, wearing my baggy Millersville swim team sweatshirt, sweatpants, and baseball hat, with my little curls coming out underneath it. The old man behind the counter 
said, “would you like to try a sample of our soup sonny?” I know my sister will never forget this moment either...I still hear about it from her almost every other time I see her and she still makes fun of the little tomboy that I was. Whatever. :P


In the last several months, Funk’s was sold by the owner to become a retirement community or something like that, and walking past it was a bit depressing. But regardless of what it becomes, I will always remember it as the place we went to jump in hay bails, go through the haunted barn, make scarecrows, pick fresh strawberries from the fields, cut down Christmas trees, buy sticky buns, and get pictures next to the giant talking pumpkin :) I will miss you Funk’s!

Me, Keri, and our friend Laura by the big talking pumpkin :)

Cute little animal heads. I love that I picked the pig...I look thrilled.

                              

  

Poppys Home!

Dad got out of the hospital yesterday morning and went straight to his first outpatient dialysis session at Lancaster General’s Health Campus. It was a very stressful morning after rushing out of Hershey, getting all of the discharge info, and trying to make it to LGH by his 11am appointment. Everyone at LGH was amazing. Ginger Herr, a family friend of ours, is the nursing director at the outpatient dialysis center, and I can’t thank her enough for how supportive and amazing she has been already. I am confident that dad will be spoiled and loved and very well taken care of here, even if I need to be a little farther away for a few months. That means the world to me, knowing that he is in good hands, and so what if he is the favorite patient here...I wouldn’t have it any other way :) I told him he needs to start wearing his VIP pass when he walks in the door so people know...He’s not just some other Joe Schmo off the streets, he’s Ken Walkowiak baby! (phrase credit goes to Mike Gallo (baby)).

It was a hectic, stressful, emotional morning, but dad made it home, got some much needed rest, and ate a huge delicious dinner followed by a soft pretzel and donut at 10:30 pm :) It was great to see my dad back in his little spot on the sofa where he belongs. He even let me have one of his donuts, so it really was like old times.

This morning, we are now finishing up his second round of dialysis at LGH. Since it is a Saturday and early in the morning, it has been a much calmer start to the day. Mike and I are just relaxing with him, talking about job stuff and sports and hearing funny stories -like the time my aunt Marcia almost got hit in the head with a hockey puck at a Flyer’s game, but how she ducked just in time, watched it slam into the guy’s soda who was taking a sip behind her, soak him with his drink, and land in uncle Louie’s hand. The best part is that uncle Louie kept the puck. Dad is loving my pink neck pillow, and when I told him I’d get him a more manly one, he said this one is just right. The nurses all smile at him and laugh and swoon over their new favorite patient. Not every man can pull off a pink neck pillow, but this one sure can. 

It is incredible how much he has been through in the last couple months, but even more so in just one week. Last Friday he lost a kidney, this Friday he came home. He is amazing. It is still a long road to recovery, as he fights through the weakness and pain and healing, and as he starts to gain his appetite back. But more importantly, it’s going to be a journey establishing a new “normalcy” as he learns a whole new routine and way of life. He’s got his family behind him 100%. He is definitely our VIP and we are prepared to do everything to get through this together!

Sunrise on the way to dialysis this morning

So glad you're home Poppy

Poppy and Calvin