Contemplating Life

Yesterday Mike and I were walking Clover around outside of our apartment complex.  As we were coming around the bend, I spotted a middle-aged woman up ahead walking from her car with her elderly mother on her left hand and a heavy shopping bag in the right. It’s weird how instincts kick in before something even happens, like the time a tennis ball came flying at the side of my face and I caught it left handed without glancing up, or the time Mike knocked over a wine glass to my left as I was mid conversation to my right and my hand magically and gracefully stopped the glass without hesitation. Maybe I just have super power reaction time. Anyway, the minute I saw the old woman’s foot step over the curb and onto the grass, I immediately threw Clover’s leash in the air and said “shit”, only seconds before I saw the old woman turn her ankle and fall to the ground. We sprinted over to them, although Clover had different ideas of why we were running to this interesting person who was having fun “rolling” in the grass… As I did a quick head to toe assessment to make sure she was stable before helping her get back up, my heart tore into two pieces for this old woman and her frazzled daughter. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but when it comes to old people I turn into a big curly-haired puddle, which is followed by a half hour of analysis over who these people are and what their story is and whether the old woman is OK. Should I knock on their door tomorrow? Bring them cookies and a bottle of prune juice? Maybe double check to be sure that this lady, who states she is post two brain surgeries and who gets back up, stubborn as ever, brushing me off and saying “I know how to land…the best place to land is here, on your butt,” did in fact only bruise her butt.

Long story short, I think this just reaffirmed why I am better at pediatric nursing and why I will just stick with picking up broken old women from the curb instead of wiping their butts and seeing their sad eyes every day. When it comes to pediatrics, it’s easier for me to think to myself when a child falls down, “Alright kid, buck up. Quit whining, you’ll be ok.” But an old man or woman with their cute sad eyes and embarrassed stubbornness just melts my heart.

            These days I have found myself contemplating life and the future too much. I don’t know why I always do this, but as soon as I begin one thing, I always want to know “what is next?” My sister Keri gave me good advice after my last blog post about missing Pittsburgh, and I know she’s right - I just need to live in the moment by enjoying and appreciating each day that comes instead of wishing it away by wondering what to do to get to the next step in my life. It’s silly to always wonder these things that are mostly out of your control because you miss so much of what is right in front of you.

            One of the big things I have been trying to figure out is where I want my nursing career to take me after our adventures with traveling are over. I’ve had multiple talks lately with different friends who are in the nursing profession and I am actually relieved to discover that I’m not the only one feeling a little lost! There are more nurses than I realized who are trying to figure out where their path should take them, and what they truly have a passion for when it comes to nursing. So many more of my friends are starting to feel burnt out with floor nursing and all of the “joys” that come with this life of a staff nurse. I know that despite all of the shit (literally) that we as nurses deal with on a daily basis, we do make a difference. More importantly, I’ve learned first-hand that there are patients and families who are placed in our lives for a reason. Those kids and parents will forever remain in my memory as individuals who helped to shape me and make me the nurse and the person that I am today.  Through watching these kids fight death, and at times not succeed, I have learned a whole new strength and determination and hope that has changed me. This reason alone is enough to continue to motivate me to do what I do and to be thankful for each of those kids who has made an impression on my life and who keep me reminding myself, “this is why I am a nurse”.

*Please excuse the frequent use of the word shit in this post. Thank you.*

What I imagined in my head if Clover had gone to help out :) Sorry, I'm better with pencil and paper...