Back Home

It’s hard to believe that our 5 months in San Antonio have already come to an end. I remember the first day we arrived. The sun was beating down on us as we got out of the car. I took in a deep breath and thought, “This is it. Here we go”. I remember moving all of our suitcases into our temporary home at the Extended Stay and being given a warm, hearty southern welcome by the hotel’s greeter,“Dolly” (as I liked to call her) with her bleached blonde hair, bright red lip stick, cowgirl boots and deep southern drawl. I thought, wow, we’re in Texas! Turns out she was one of a kind, but it made me smile nonetheless.

Shortly after we arrived that day, we ventured out to find the local dog park for our friend and good sport Clover. I still remember feeling like such an outsider. I still felt so displaced, a little lost, and completely terrified. Here were all of these Texas people and Texas dogs and Texas trees and they weren’t mine. I was far from my comfort zone. Mike had a similar experience at the H.E.B., our local grocery store. Culture shock hit us hard that week. It’s funny to think back to how we felt those first few weeks, and how much has changed since then. Our time in San Antonio started out with a call about my mom’s stroke, and we were faced with this huge, scary event as we were transitioning into our new life. Now as we were wrapping up time in TX, we were again being dealt another difficult, painful hand as we discovered another tumor on my dads other kidney. Again, this all started at a time of change and transition. 

I never thought that any of these things would happen as we were pulling out of Pittsburgh back in September and beginning our exciting journey. There is no doubt that this journey has been an incredible experience, and I can’t even begin to describe what amazing blessings have come to both Mike and I during our 5 months in Texas. Even with all of the bumps in our road, I know that we both have grown in different ways. For me, I was blessed with some amazing friends to not only help me with all of my transitions, but to love and support me in the joyful times as well as the challenging times. Along with this, I was able to overcome anxiety related to going to work, which had been one of my greatest burdens over the last 4 1/2 years of nursing. I have become more confident, and for some reason it suddenly hit me and actually sank in this time, that it doesn’t matter if I can’t do everything - there is no way I will ever know everything when it comes to nursing - but that I am confident in who I am, what I do know, and that I don’t have to be afraid to ask others to help me when I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. 

So all of this brings us to the present. I have had a hard time trying to describe to people what I am feeling at this moment. I guess the best word for it might be adrift. As I leave behind some great memories and incredible friends in Texas, and look forward and see a very long unknown road ahead, while at the same time still having no job (although a couple good leads), living at my parents house, and transforming into Nanny Kate ;), I feel somewhat like I am floating in this in between phase of life where I am holding onto the past and present happy moments to get me through the challenging times to come. 

As I write this, I am sitting in my dad’s hospital room at Hershey Medical Center. He was admitted today and a central line was placed. This is an IV catheter that goes in through the vein in his neck, down into his chest near his heart, and comes out into two ports to his upper right chest. This will be used following his surgery for dialysis until they can look at other options for home dialysis once he has healed and recovered from surgery. He did amazing with this fairly quick procedure, and bravely completed step #1. Several different doctors came in to talk to us about what to expect tomorrow for his surgery to remove his right kidney, and informed us that he would be the first case tomorrow (Friday) morning. Because of this, I wanted to stay the night with him at Hershey so someone would be here to send him off. I might be loaded down with my bags, his bags, the picture frame from Calvin, and a very large coffee, but at least I will be there for myself and my whole family to tell him that we love him and to hug him and to tell him that we will get through this all together. I am just so happy to finally feel like I am able to do something. Even if it isn’t much, it’s something. I am more then happy to take on the role of Nanny Kate. It has been a long day and a rough night so far, with some ups and lots of downs. But after all of the chaos of the day - the noise and the waiting and the crying and the talking - the lights are out, the TV is off, the floor is calm and quiet, there is a low soft snore in the air, and dad is finally asleep. It is kind of nice to be sitting here on my little recliner (since I opted out of the suspect looking cot that they so kindly ordered for me), and to look over and see my dad, who I love so much. Despite the fact that his situation sucks...it is bull shit...I know how strong he is, and I know that he and my mom will get through this with all of us fighting side by side. I have faith that God will carry us through this inevitably long road, and that he will help to give us peace and joy as we overcome one step after another. I am so proud of my family.

“When the future seems uncertain, like the coming of a storm. You’re loving father carries his children, when they can’t walk anymore. No matter how the wind may blow, it cannot shake the sun. Lay your sorrows on the ground, it’s time to come back home. It’s time to come back home.” - JJ Heller (see link to song below)

Life Updates

It has been really hard for me to get motivated to write recently. A lot has been going on the past month in my family, and between trying to deal with all of that, working nights, and sleeping when I can find time to sleep, I’ve been pretty beat and just get tired of talking about it all. I know that I have not been able to call as many friends as I would like, and I am so sorry to all of you if this is the first that you are hearing anything, but please know I will try to call you all soon. But for now this is the best way for me to process and explain things to all of you. And I apologize ahead of time, because this might be a long one...you have been warned.

On Saturday, Jan. 22, I was awakened to bad news. Why is it that every time the phone rings these days and it is one of my parents, I am worried that it will be to tell us that yet again, something happened. “Dad has cancer”, “Mom had a stroke”, and now for the second time, “They found a tumor on dad’s right kidney”. You’ve got to be fricking kidding me. I was still asleep after being up most of the night with my crazy schedule when Mike came into our room. You know it is never a good sign when someone starts by sitting down, and follows with “I just got off the phone with your sister and your mom”... I said, “Please, No. What now?” 

So many things have happened since then, the news constantly changing, plans going from A to Z within days; it’s been an emotional roller coaster. The initial plan seemed “easy”. Dad’s doctors thought that since there were no signs of metastasis outside of the new tumor, they would be able to do a partial nephrectomy to remove the tumor and a portion of dad’s remaining kidney. In the meantime, other scans were done and a biopsy of his lymph nodes was performed, and everything came back clear with no signs of cancer spreading. But with that bit of hopeful news came more bad news. The doctors were afraid by looking at the CT of his kidney that the tumor was actually bigger than they originally thought and they feared that they would not be able to do surgery without having to remove his whole kidney. If this was the case, it would place him on dialysis and a transplant list where he would have to wait 5 years until he was “cancer free” before taking that next step. Because of this fear, the doctors scheduled a procedure called an embolization which was done last Wednesday at Hershey Medical Center. With this procedure, they went in and stopped blood flow to the tumor which is supposed to prevent the tumor from growing and hopefully even shrink it. In addition to this, they may start him on an oral medication that works similar to chemo, which would hopefully help to shrink the tumor back even more so that a partial nephrectomy would still be an option in the near future.

Of course with the embolization procedure, as with any, there comes a lot of risks. Again came more discouraging news. They planned to keep dad in the hospital for a couple nights in order to monitor his kidney function. After a couple days there, dad’s levels were too high and the doctors told him he is basically in stage 3-4 renal failure. As his levels continued to elevate, they eventually stabilized enough that the doctors were hopeful the levels would start coming back down, so they sent him home last Sunday with a whole list of follow up appointments as well as more lab visits to recheck his kidney function.

Today’s appointment with dad’s surgeon brought with it more confusion and stress, and a reaffirmed realization that we are literally going to have to take each bit of news as it comes, process it, and find a way to get through it all together. Although it sounds cliche to say “let’s take one step at a time”, unfortunately it looks like that is what it is going to come down to in this inevitably long, exhausting journey. Along with dad’s doctors, we don’t know what is going to happen next, but we must hold on to hope as we go.

This has all been a crazy, emotional, shitty month for our family. I am so grateful for my sister and Angus who were able to be there for over three weeks helping my parents out through all of these tests and doctors visits and phone calls and up and down news. My sister was a wonderful mom to Calvin, while also being an awesome daughter to our parents. She did everything from taking care of her busy little man, calling friends and family with updates, cooking, cleaning, and most importantly giving moral support and love to mom and dad. Mike and I were able to get home a couple weekends ago, which was initially for dad’s surgery before the plans changed. Although I didn’t feel like we did very much being there, it was good for me to see them and to hug them. I just love them so much it hurts. It was also helpful for my sister to have a little break at times, and such a wonderful time for Mike and I to be the aunt and uncle that we have been dying to be to our perfect nephew. Also, I know that it meant so much to mom and dad to simply have us there to love them. 

Although all of this is hard for me to process and accept, the most difficult part is watching my parents have to struggle through all of this again. I feel helpless being so far away, but mostly being so out of control of it all. It breaks my heart to see my dad battling with all of these emotions along with his physical pain, and to watch my mom become that rock again in a time when she needs her own shoulder to lean on. My mom has amazed me, and although she tells me that she couldn’t do this without my sister and I, I have seen how strong she is and it is such an encouragement to me as a wife to see how she loves and supports and fights for her husband. I know things are crazy right now, but I have hope and I know that we will fight our way through this, come what may. We have each other, we have our family and friends supporting us, and we have hope and faith in God’s hand in it all.  I realized again just recently how both mom and dad have each already been healed once in the last two years after major life threatening events. Why shouldn’t we believe that there is hope this time when we have seen how those crappy situations were turned around for the best? I have faith that things will be OK, but it may take a lot of ups and downs to get there. 

As far as our travel status goes, my contract will be ending March 19th - less then one month away.  When all of this came up, without any doubts or second thoughts, Mike and I both knew that we wanted to try to go closer to our parents for a little while. Regardless of what happens, we know that we want to be there to help with whatever comes up, even if it is just going to doctors visits with dad or cooking them a meal or making them go out to have a little fun. In whatever way we can, we want to try to support them right now, and that will be a lot easier if we don’t have to buy a plane ticket every time we want to help out. That being said, I have been looking around the Lancaster area as well as Baltimore, Philly, and other east coast areas. I haven’t gotten a placement anywhere yet, but I am working on it and trusting that maybe this is another reason we were meant to travel. It is good to know that we are flexible, that nothing is permanent, and that we can just be where we need and want to be.  I know a lot of people feel helpless, as do all of us, but what we really need now is just to know that you care. Prayers, encouragement, and love is what really helps right now, and I thank all of you for doing these things to help support me and my family.

Happy Listening!

Rain. There is something so powerful about it. As much as I love a beautiful, warm, sunny day to get outside and be active, there is something equally as wonderful about a rainy day. Maybe not the strong, scary downpour that makes you feel like your car is going to be washed off the highway, or the giant puddles that you inevitably end up ankle deep in no matter how much you attempt to avoid them, but that peaceful, steady rain that taps against the roof and the windows while you settle yourself on your sofa with a blanket, a mug of steaming coffee, and a good book.  Sometimes I just like to sit and listen. This might be cheesy, but a lot of the time I think the rain is telling me something (or is it those voices in my head again? I’m not really sure). These are some of the best moments of meditation for me where God is telling me to stop everything and just listen for his voice. Sometimes he speaks, sometimes he doesn’t, but almost always, I feel his peace.  Since we’ve been in San Antonio we have only had a handful of rainy days, and for this I am so thankful. But because of that, I feel like each one of these rare rainy days is a little present to me with a tag that reads “For: Katy ... Happy listening!”  

The last time we flew on an airplane the weather was terrible. We were heading home from Colorado that night and, as usual, the minute we hit bad turbulence, I thought we were going down. I began to formulate my game plan of who to call and what I would say in my farewell message to them if we started our plummet to the earth. Finally, to calm my nerves, I put on my headphones and listened to some chill, peaceful music while I turned out my overhead lamp and looked out of the little porthole-like window and onto the huge dark sky. What I found amazed me. How had I not noticed the beauty that lay out there in the midst of my panic over my extremely unlikely death that was about to occur? I’m not sure if I can do this scene justice, but I will try. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt much closer to God than I did at that moment. It was almost as if I was eye level with him and what he see’s on a daily basis. Out in the distance was a vast stretch of storm clouds miles and miles long. As my music played through my headphones, the lightening bolts seemed to dance along with it. With each bolt of lightening, the whole night sky lit up before me over and over again, as if someone was directing an orchestra where the spot lights are flashing on and off to capture each of the amazing performers in action. Every flash left a distinctive mark in the sky, and as suddenly as they appeared, they vanished just as quickly. I’ve never seen 5 or 6 or 7 bolts of lightening strike at one time, and what made it even more intense was the fact that I felt so far and separated from this scene while at the same time, like I was a part of it all. I was completely at peace and in awe of this power and knowledge that is so beyond me.

Needless to say, I was no longer worried about plummeting to my death. If I was going down, well then at least I could come back up here and enjoy this scene a little longer instead of passing it by and heading back into empty, dark skies again. I could have stared out of that window forever enjoying the beauty and the power of that moment, but like these rare rainy days, it is a moment that I will hold onto in my memory, and a moment that spoke to my soul like nothing else ever could if it was in front of me every day. So next time you hear the tap - tap - tap of the run off from your roof, stop what you are doing, curl up on the sofa, and take a good, long listen to the rain. That rain sure has a lot to say.

* For those of you who might like the full experience, or at least part of the experience that I had, listen to this song, then maybe listen to it while re-reading the visual I attempted to make for you all. It might not impact you as it did me, but this is just a little taste of what was spoken to me :)

      

A New Revelation

Texas driving and I have not had the best relationship since day one. I can still recall the first week of living in San Antonio when Mike urged me to practice driving on these insane 3 to 5 lane highways. I thought I was going to pee my pants I was so terrified. Not only did I get beeped at numerous times on that first venture, but I’m pretty sure I broke at least 10 laws, and that was with me WEARING my glasses, which I never wear out of pure stubbornness. But I mean really, what normal state has a 3 lane highway that they consider the “access” road to merge onto the 5 lane highway?!? Come on people. Seriously. 

As time went on I got a few of my routes down pretty well...1) My trip to work. God forbid if there is any flooding or “snow” that closes down the I-10 or I’ll be calling off, because I know one way and one way only to get to work. 2) The route to H.E.B., the grocery store here in Texas. This is literally not even a mile down the road. Sad, I know. 3) Borders. How could I live without my bookstore?! and 4) a more recent discovery because it is more than 10 miles away from my front door - La Cantara mall. Other than these 4 places that I visit more frequently on my own, I either let Mike drive, or I’ll typically rely on Mo, my (not so trusty) 5 year old Garmin with her friendly English accent that only sounds English when she tells me to turn “Roight”. 

Just the other week I had a revelation. Thanks to my good friend Dan, a local to San Antonio and one of those “Texas drivers” that I like to complain about, my eyes were opened to a whole new world of driving. Now granted, friends, I by no means am doing EVERYTHING wrong, but apparently I might be deserving of some of these honks and Oh so pleasant expressions combined with that pretty middle finger as they pass me by.  As I was driving Dan home one morning after our long 12 hour night shift, I was explaining to him my frustration with Texas drivers and couldn’t decide if they are in a hurry or just lazy and rude. As I was saying this, someone “cut me off” and laid on their horn. What would you do? I yelled “SEE!?”  Dan, trying to be the nice person that he is, informed me as kindly as possible that in fact, I was the one who cut them off. 

Revelation:  I’m the “Texas driver”. 

I still don’t feel that I am completely at fault, because in the rest of the country, the “yield” sign is for the cars merging onto a main road. But apparently, here in good ole Texas, the merging cars are allowed to cut across all three lanes while innocent you, minding your own business in your quiet little lane, have to yield to these obnoxious fools. But the tricky thing is, this doesn't apply to ALL merging lanes...only some!! So you better be on the lookout for that yield sign!!

It’s good to know that for the last 3 months I have been cutting off numerous cars wherever I go, while at the same time cursing them and trying to bury my rage at their terrible driving skills. I think that in addition to having to get a TX nursing license, it should also be a requirement that to live in Texas, you first have to go through a week or two of driving lessons. Keeping you in the dark like this just isn’t "roight".

A Taste of Home

As we posted before, there are definitely times where we get to missing home. So, it is always nice to see something that reminds us of Pittsburgh. One of the things we see most often is Heinz ketchup. So, a big thanks to Heinz for making the worlds best ketchup, it gives us something to remember Pittsburgh by.

Do Something Productive!!

            So being on this night schedule is a bit overrated. My body has completely gotten used to sleeping all day and staying up all night. It sucks. I’m tired, nauseous, and always confused about what day it is. Thank God for facebook (did I really just say that??) or I don’t know what I would do with myself on these long lonely nights. Someone needs to kick me in the butt and tell me to do something more productive!

            Recently, I’ve been getting more motivated to start up with drawing and painting again. I’m by no means a great artist, but it is one of my favorite escapes…just turn on some music, get in my zone, and focus. So tonight, after all of my other night shift facebook friends finally signed off between 2 and 3 am, I thought, OK, what now? So here I sit, at 0620 am, feeling quite proud of myself for doing some artwork instead of wasting more time facebook stalking! 
            Here’s a peek at my rough draft of Calvin that I worked on tonight (I can't figure out if it is cute or creepy...I'm thinking so far kinda creepy) along with some other drawings from the last few months! Sorry Ker, it’s the best I could do at 5am…

My rough draft of Calvin...the only way you can really tell it's him is by the tongue sticking out :)

More close up of  his face

My first drawing that I did for my painting class this past summer...this lead to many attempted and failed paintings :(

Clover!

Random owl.

Contemplating Life

Yesterday Mike and I were walking Clover around outside of our apartment complex.  As we were coming around the bend, I spotted a middle-aged woman up ahead walking from her car with her elderly mother on her left hand and a heavy shopping bag in the right. It’s weird how instincts kick in before something even happens, like the time a tennis ball came flying at the side of my face and I caught it left handed without glancing up, or the time Mike knocked over a wine glass to my left as I was mid conversation to my right and my hand magically and gracefully stopped the glass without hesitation. Maybe I just have super power reaction time. Anyway, the minute I saw the old woman’s foot step over the curb and onto the grass, I immediately threw Clover’s leash in the air and said “shit”, only seconds before I saw the old woman turn her ankle and fall to the ground. We sprinted over to them, although Clover had different ideas of why we were running to this interesting person who was having fun “rolling” in the grass… As I did a quick head to toe assessment to make sure she was stable before helping her get back up, my heart tore into two pieces for this old woman and her frazzled daughter. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but when it comes to old people I turn into a big curly-haired puddle, which is followed by a half hour of analysis over who these people are and what their story is and whether the old woman is OK. Should I knock on their door tomorrow? Bring them cookies and a bottle of prune juice? Maybe double check to be sure that this lady, who states she is post two brain surgeries and who gets back up, stubborn as ever, brushing me off and saying “I know how to land…the best place to land is here, on your butt,” did in fact only bruise her butt.

Long story short, I think this just reaffirmed why I am better at pediatric nursing and why I will just stick with picking up broken old women from the curb instead of wiping their butts and seeing their sad eyes every day. When it comes to pediatrics, it’s easier for me to think to myself when a child falls down, “Alright kid, buck up. Quit whining, you’ll be ok.” But an old man or woman with their cute sad eyes and embarrassed stubbornness just melts my heart.

            These days I have found myself contemplating life and the future too much. I don’t know why I always do this, but as soon as I begin one thing, I always want to know “what is next?” My sister Keri gave me good advice after my last blog post about missing Pittsburgh, and I know she’s right - I just need to live in the moment by enjoying and appreciating each day that comes instead of wishing it away by wondering what to do to get to the next step in my life. It’s silly to always wonder these things that are mostly out of your control because you miss so much of what is right in front of you.

            One of the big things I have been trying to figure out is where I want my nursing career to take me after our adventures with traveling are over. I’ve had multiple talks lately with different friends who are in the nursing profession and I am actually relieved to discover that I’m not the only one feeling a little lost! There are more nurses than I realized who are trying to figure out where their path should take them, and what they truly have a passion for when it comes to nursing. So many more of my friends are starting to feel burnt out with floor nursing and all of the “joys” that come with this life of a staff nurse. I know that despite all of the shit (literally) that we as nurses deal with on a daily basis, we do make a difference. More importantly, I’ve learned first-hand that there are patients and families who are placed in our lives for a reason. Those kids and parents will forever remain in my memory as individuals who helped to shape me and make me the nurse and the person that I am today.  Through watching these kids fight death, and at times not succeed, I have learned a whole new strength and determination and hope that has changed me. This reason alone is enough to continue to motivate me to do what I do and to be thankful for each of those kids who has made an impression on my life and who keep me reminding myself, “this is why I am a nurse”.

*Please excuse the frequent use of the word shit in this post. Thank you.*

What I imagined in my head if Clover had gone to help out :) Sorry, I'm better with pencil and paper...